Girl, Interrupted...

So I watched "Girl, Interrupted" today for the first time in a very long time and it brought up some issues I hadn't thought about for a while.

The major one being a "Borderline Personality"

I have had so many people suggest that I have this, yet I have never done anything about it. They range from friends to doctors. I mean, the doctor said there was a possibility, but I never got it checked out.

I don't know, perhaps I should. Or perhaps there isn't anything wrong with me and I should just leave it and stop being blah.

On my own, pretending he's beside me...

Ever get the feeling you're going to be forever alone?

I do.

I truly truly do.

I know, you'll say "No, don't be ridiculous, you're young, the right guy will come, blah, blah, blah."

But what if he doesn't?

What if I am left to die some withered up women who is completely bitter?

I was singing "On My Own" from Les Mis the other day and I broke down into tears because it is so true. The line that gets me everytime is;

"Without me, his world will go on turning"

Every fucking time.

I feel fat.

I feel ugly.

I feel that no one would ever want to be with me because I am damaged goods.

My head isn't screwed on right.

I'm compulsive, yet I overthink things.

I cry whether I'm happy or sad or angry or any emotion.

I am judgemental, so I keep everything close because I am scared of people judging me.

What kind of guy in their right mind would want to get involved with this?

No one.

Exactly.

*deep sigh*

Ok.

Well.

Now that I've thrown my pity party, I think I might just go and watch a sad movie so I can cry some more.

Inspired...

OK KIDLETS HERE'S THE THING (I don't know why, but I felt the urge to type in caps, deal with it.)

I have been inspired.

Over the weekend, I have had plenty of time to think... PLENTY... some might say too much... and while I have dwelled on things I would rather not, I have also thought plenty of thoughts that are awesome...

So, I was thinking back to my last blog and how I had been inspired by Darren Criss/Starkid (If you don't know Starkid click here >>>>>>http://www.youtube.com/user/starkidpotter?blend=2&ob=4)

Anyways... I was thinking about it and how it would actually be plausable for me to start something similair. I mean, I have all the resources, so why shouldn't I?

I've just got to find people who are willing and able, this is where my Uni friends come in. I haven't told them about this idea yet, but I am sure they would be willing. I've even got an idea for our first show, but I want to float it by them first.

So yeah... this was kinda supurflous... but whatevs...

Peace Out my PeePees...

xxx

You make me feel like I'm living a Teenage Dream...

Ok, so I don't want you to judge me.

But see the guy in the above picture, his name is Darren Criss. He's kinda becoming my idol. A really hot idol.

Ok, so just like, hear me out. It all dawned on me last night when listening to the Glee version of "Teenage Dream" and I started crying.

So, let me explain everything.

Ok, so, um, Darren is a recently graduated university student, his major was theatre (like me). He and some friends while in uni started their own production company called "Starkid" and created musicals such as "A Very Potter Musical" and "Me and My Dick". They posted them on youtube and have created a bit of a cult following. Darren recently got cast in Glee. Glee, is one of my favourite shows. It is what I want my life to be. As an actor, there are so many different roles and shows one wants to be in, but I'm pretty sure I would be eternally happy even if I had like a walk on role in Glee. So yeah, Darren audition via the Glee MySpace and is now on the show. His first episode airs tonight in Australia. His very first song is "Teenage Dream".

Now, you are probably all wondering why I was crying and what the fuck I am doing telling you about Darren Criss. Here's the thing, those tears were tears of happiness;
1. Because I'm a proud mama and all us Starkid Fans are so happy that one of these talented kids is getting an opportunity like this.
2. (and this is the main reason) He gives me hope. It makes me think that if someone who has come from just an ordinary university can make it, perhaps I can too. I mean, in no way am I saying that I am as talented as Darren (I mean, fuck, the boy writes his own songs and shit) but I am an accomplished actor/singer/pianist, so if I work fucking hard at it, I am sure that at some point I will get there.

I am so sure I am going to cry when Darren is on Glee tonight and I don't want to have to explain to my parents the reason why.

The thing is, I have told my parents that in my final year I want to go to Chicago, because there is a great theatre scene and I feel that I am not going to make it here in Australia. They laughed at me. They think it's ridiculous. They think that I will complete my degree, do my dip ed and become a teacher, like they want. Of course, I am going to complete my degree and do a dip ed. I'm not stupid, I don't want to fall flat on my arse, but I want to give acting a real go. This is what I love. Don't I deserve a chance to try? I don't want to live my life wondering what could have been.

I will get that fucking role on Glee.

My Sincerest Apologies

I was informed tonight that I have not blogged since July.

SHAME ON ME!

I got too caught up in being a hipster on tumblr...

But I'm back baby!!

So, I assume you are wondering what I have been up to since I was last on here. Well, let me tell you fuck all has changed.

I have completed my first year of uni though, so that's kinda cool.

But apart from that, I can't really think of anything of importance to report.

In saying that though, I've recently felt myself feeling like I am running out of time. There is so much that I want to achieve and I'm scared that I'm never going to do any of it.

I know that is stupid, but I can't help it. I don't even understand what has brought this on.

I mean, I'm turning 21 next year. 21. What have I got to show for it... nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut. Going round and round this endless circle. And not in a cool way like the Lion King's Circle of Life.

I guess what I need to do though is get off my fat arse and do something about it.

Though, I find myself lacking the motivation.

I am lacking the motivation for everything.

It gets me so fucking angry and then I get sad and then I have no motivation. Once again this fucking vicious cycle.

Anyways... I'm moving into a new apartment as we speak, I've started a new job and I'm working on a few different shows. One of which I'm particularly proud to be apart of. So hopefully this will get me out of this lull.

Peace out my peeps

xxx

Oh My Fucking God.

I am so fucking sick of Johnny Come Latelys.

I'm all for discovering new things. That is fine. But don't fucking act like you know everything about it. Don't fake your love for it. If it doesn't come naturally LEAVE IT.

I think I'm having an identity crisis.

I feel like everything I know is being stolen and I am unable to claim it back. I'm clutching at straws because every time I find something that is my own, someone takes it to be theirs. I feel like saying to them "I'm pretty sure that's mine..." instead I say "Oh no, that's cool, you keep it."

Fuck.

Mid-life crisis' aren't supposed to be happening yet.

Boys...

Boys are just stupid.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I mean, why not just tell me how you feel, instead of fucking me around and not talking to me one day and then being all over me the next.

And the stupid thing is I don't even like him.

GAH!

It's like he has this power over me.

I hate it.

Just saying...

I'm just gunna put it out there.

I have had an awesome day.

It started off with a 9am class, which I am never thrilled about, but a lot of my friends are in it, so it's nice to be there with them. Plus we were reading this interesting play, so that was fun.

I then had another class, which was the bomb. We did hot seating, which is where you develop a character then sit in front of the class and they ask you questions while you remain in character.

After class Siobhan, Kim, Chris and Felix came back to mine where we made homemade pizza and garlic bread. Unfortunately we burnt the bread, but still good.

We also revealed to one of them that a girl we used to have class with was a pornstar. The reaction was hilarious when we showed him the pictures.

Then Kim, Siobhan and I went to our burlesque class, where my thighs got the workout of a lifetime.

And now I am home.

Tired.

Might actually sleep before midnight.

Today was a win.

More Awkwardness...

Why have the past couple of days been so awkward?

Conversation with my Mother.

Me: "So yeah, since I can't go tonight, so Zac said I should spend the weekend with him in Warragal, coz he's having like a birthday dinner thing."

Mum: "Oh. So is he cracking on?"

Me: "What?"

Mum: "Is he cracking on to you?"

Me: "NO! Mum, where did you get that from?"

Mum: "Well I thought that that would be why he wants you there."

Me: "..."

Mum: "Well, can you blame me for thinking that?"

Me: "Can we change the subject?... Please?"

Mum: "So what will you do in Warragal?"

Me: "Have dinner."

Mum: "Where will you sleep?"

Me: "In a bed."

Mum: "Where will the bed be?"

Me: "I don't know. I'm guessing at Zac's."

Mum: "Zac's hey?"

Me: "I'm going now Mum..."

And now for something completely different...

I did a show today.

At first I was on the huge high. In fact, I have been on one all day. Even through the awkwardness. Even during rehearsal for another show. I felt great. Everything was awesome. Casa was the bomb.

But now...

I don't know. I feel this emptiness. Like a there's something missing. Something I have forgotten. I feel lost, like a tiny imperfection on the water.

Ahahahahhahaha... No.

I think I have had one of the most awkward days ever.

Everything, just, awkward.

I mean, flattering, but awkward.

And then, what do you do in these awkward situations?

In my case it seems to be say something inappropriate and make it worse.

Yep. Awkward.

Spelling

This is really starting to piss me off.

These people on facebook who can't spell or wRiTe LyK dIs... surely you have something better to do.

A girl just posted a status and spelt "can't" with an "r".

Does she really think it is spelt with an "R" or is she stupid.

Oh sorry... it was spelt like this "carnt"

So it was grammatically incorrect as well.

Now, I know everyone makes mistakes, I know I do... BUT these people are repeat offenders.

Another post "Nite everyone"

DO THEY KNOW IT'S SPELT NIGHT???

The shortening of it is not going to fasten your typing. If you take out the "e" and put back in the "g" and "h" you've only had to add one extra letter from "nite".

Don't even get me started on this post:

"mee too, ii hatee wehhn iim not aloudd too do sumthiink whiich iis all tha tiime, cant do anyythiink wiithout gettiiing skiitzedd at lol"

WHAT IS WITH ALL THE EXTRA LETTERS???

I don't get it.

Wow. Now I sound really old.

Well I guess I am. I'm twenty now.

Fuck.

Doctor Who?

So.

I have a guilty confession to make.

I've been watching the New Doctor. You know. Doctor Who. The new regenerated Doctor with Matt Smith.

And.

Well.

I think I like it.

I know, I know, I know. I said that I wasn't going to watch anymore because David Tennant left and he was the best Doctor ever...BUT... My parents have been watching it... and it is really good.

I mean, he's no David Tennant, but the show is still good. Even if Matt's Doctor is basically a carbon copy of David's.

Anyways.

That's my story.

PS. Did you know Matt Smith was once a proffesional football player? Pretty wicked.

Sometimes I wish I could curl up and sleep for a week.

It's too cold.

I lack the motivation, inspiration and I dunno, something else ending with "ation"... IMAGINATION... to do anything.

But then again, I'm bored. I want to do something. I want to go out and dance and drink. I want to cut off all my hair and spend all my money.

Well, actually, I think I might have accomplished the spending of the money.

I feel restless.

Ruddy Hell...

I feel sorry for Kevin.

I've always liked him.

I remember in 2007 when the election was going on, I was disappointed it wasn't happening the next year so I would get a chance to vote.

I mean, he is a bit of a dipshit, but he's a nice one. When I heard his final speech just then, I couldn't help but "blubber" a little with him.

I mean, I'm all for Julia Gillard. I'm a fan of her too, but Jeez, couldn't we hold out for his term to end.

I can't even begin to think how he's feeling. All his "friends" havebetrayed him. I'm sure he has probably had to do things like this in the past, but this is a lot bigger. He has not only lost the part of Prime Minister, but he has had it happen in a public forum. The humiliation and pain he must be feeling.

It would be like when you have your friends all laughing and snickering behind your back and you want to know why.

In saying all this. I sometimes think that political thoughts shouldn't be put forward. It only gets you in to trouble. I respect every single persons thoughts on the matter, but please, do not question my thoughts, as I have no intention to question yours.

It's a bit like religion. I prefer not to talk about it. Not because I have a lack of knowledge, but because someone is always going to get offended and it is much simpler if I just keep my mouth shut. Once again, I like to have the same treatment back. I am an atheist. Pure and Simple. I have nothing against people who have a belief system, this is purely mine.

Now that I've got this all off my chest. Lets all go and love one another.

Father...

A Letter to My Father...



Dear Father,



I love you to bits I really really do.



But you take everything to heart.



When I said "Are you almost finished that pizza? Oh you are, good, don't worry"

Please do not ask why I asked because it will upset you. That's why I said don't worry.

You make disgusting sounds when you eat and it makes me feel slightly ill, hence I will move. I do not want to hurt you, but you continue to prod and probe until I eventually have to tell you. Why not just leave it when I say "Don't Worry"?



Then you stomp out muttering under your breathe.



Do not get angry with me because you had to drive all the way the Myrtleford for the footy, only to get beaten because of the bad umpires, or because you grazed your head on a low ceiling or because you got a speeding fine for driving 111km in a 100km zone.



Do not get angry with me when I am sick. I cannot control when I get sick. It is not my choice to get sick. I just want some sympathy.



Do not get angry with me when you ask me for the tenth time what I am doing tonight and I respond with "I just told you five minutes ago" or when you say "Whose that?" about one of my friends and I say "You know them, you have met them before". I hate when you respond with "Well Jeez Monique, How am I supposed to remember everything you're doing/All your friends?". It hurts. I manage to remember all that you are doing. I make an effort to remember all you are doing. I try to remember all your friends, even if I haven't met them. I try to take an interest in what you are doing.



Perhaps, I am asking to much. Perhaps, I am just whining. Perhaps, I am just hurt for no apparent reason, but I don't think these are unreasonable requests.



All my Love



Monique



xxx

Thinking...

I just read a quote which was "L'essential est invisble pour les yeux" (What is essential is invisible to the eye).

It got me thinking. Do we really take for granted the things we really need? I'm starting to believe we do.

In today's society we take everything for granted. Sure, I'm only twenty, but I see a big difference between now and ten years ago. Hell, even five years ago.

I remember when not every man and his dog had a mobile. I remember when we only got four channels. I remember when we would never ever dream of back chatting our parents.

We take for granted the fact that everything is accessible. Even just an answer to a simple question, we quickly go to google (which we can generally access on our phone) and get it in 0.33 seconds. Wasn't always that more exciting looking it up in a book?

By the way, what has happened to reading? It saddens me when I talk to peers and they say "Oh, I don't really read". WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I don't even know what that means "I don't really read"? I just can't comprehend it. I'm not saying everyone needs to go out and read Tolstoy, I just find it saddening that some people have never finished a novel.

Which makes me think that there is something wrong with the parents. I know everyone's technique is different and that I'm young and don't have kids, but if you don't encourage your child to read, how do you expect them to get along in life. You are cutting them off from a world created by pure imagination.

I know I thank my parents daily for getting me into reading. I thank them for spending the time and making me learn to enjoy reading.

Another thing I thank them for is giving me a wide appreciation of music. My mother being a rocker, my father being a top30 pop prince. I know music from Artie Shaw, Peggy Lee, Bing Crosby, Rolling Stones, Beatles, Stevie Wonder, Jay Z, Ke$ha and Infant Sorrow. It amazes when people have never heard of "In the Mood" or even more recently "Enter Sandman". When working with high school kids last year I had someone ask who was Kurt Cobain. I was in shock.

I'm also amazed when I say something about say, "The Marx Brothers", Carey Grant or even Alfred Hitchcock and people go "huh?". These are all pioneers in cinema, yet my generation seem to have forgotten, claiming that we have come up with all these new concepts. Many a time I have heard how original "Disturbia" was (ps. I do love that film). Actually recently a friend said to me he had heard of this great new film called "A Nightmare on Elm Street" and how it sounded really cool and different. IT WAS ORIGINALLY MADE OVER 20 YEARS AGO.

Hollywood, get some original ideas.

Sometimes I think I was born in the wrong era.

Oh yeah, all day and all of the night...

Sometimes I think "Why do I do it to myself?"

I have two essays and an assignment due. The assignment today and the essays next week. I just finished the assignment, but haven't even started the essays.

Why do I have to leave everything to the last minute so I can stress myself out?

And then I think, I could have easily finished at least one of the essays, if I wasn't so determined to spend as little time at home at night as possible, purely because I get so sad.

Sunday night I don't get back from Shepp till like 9pm, so that's that night covered.

Monday, I went around to Leigh's, purely because I knew if I was at home I would have to start my essay.

Tuesday I went out with friends to celebrate our last class together.

Wednesday, I felt like shit coz of Tuesday and sat around until it was time for me to meet my friend.

Now, it is Thursday. I have spent the majority of the day driving to and from Howard St in North Melboure, to pick up two prints, which I don't ever want to see again, that cost me $60, and then discovered I had sent off one of the wrong files.

Yay.

I now have to do a presentation to my class about these prints and then I have my Improv performance tonight, so yet another night I'm not home.

Thursdays are the worst.

I just want to be home by Thursday.

But, I have to wait until tomorrow for that.

For tomorrow, I will start my essay.

I swear.

*sigh*

Pretty...

I have this dress and I put it on when I want to feel pretty.

It's nothing special.

Just an ordinary dress from cotton on.

But it makes me so happy when I wear it.

This url leads you to it:
http://www.cottonon.com.au/girls/dresses-and-playsuits/VioletTankDress?sId=1930

A note to my Soulmate...

I have a soulmate.

She is one of the most beautiful people I know.

I'm not a lesbian, but it is true.

We are one.

When I'm feeling sad and alone and as if the whole world is against me, this warmth grows and I know it is because I am one of the lucky few who has met her soulmate.

I never EVER imagined that I would met them. I always assumed that my soulmate would probably pass me on the street and be someone I never got to meet, but there she is.

The longest we have gone without speaking is three days. That was a long three days. If I don't hear from her I begin to worry. I don't know what I would do without her.

I love her greatly.

Truly Beautiful

"Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home.
These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch.
How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have."

- Henry Rollins

Not a great day...

I'm sorry for all the negative blogs... When I get sick depression generally likes to rear its ugly head.

Today has been not a great day and I'm not entirely sure why.

I haven't been sleeping too well lately, especially here in Melbourne, which is odd because I generally sleep like a log here.

So I didn't sleep too great last night, eventually falling into a deep sleep around 4am. I then woke up at 10 and decided to do my online test for Film History. Turns out he's not opening it till tomorrow... So that was a win.

Since I was up I decided to try and write some more of my Performance essay. Got it up to 1000 words. 500 left. So that was another win.

But after that, I don't know. I went a bit down hill.

I showered and went to have brunch and I thought I'd watch Ellen, coz she always makes me happy, but I don't know. Something went wrong in my mind tank and I just started bawling.

So I went back to bed and slept till about 2, but even when I woke up I still felt crummy. So I decided to read my book. That made me feel a bit better.

Then it was time to go to class. So I went... Half an hour in my back goes into spasm.

My back does spasm regularly, but not as bad as this.

So my dear friend Ewan helps me walk to the Medical Centre. I go up to the counter and say my back is spasming and could I perhaps see the doctor. She informs me there are none on duty today, which is my head is retarded anyways. So Ewan goes "Well, can she sit in here for about 15mins while I go get my car?" and this bitch of a woman goes "Well I have to leave at 5". It was about 4.55pm when we arrived.

My face kinda dropped at this point, coz I couldn't even sit inside somewhere warm and it kinda started to upset me and my eyes started to well up and so the bitch goes "Oh, well I suppose the nurse can come look at you" like it's this huge hassle for her. The nurse yells out whats the problem and bitch yells back "A student's got back spasm, but it mustn't be too bad coz she's walking"

That did it for me.

I said "Don't worry about it." and started to walk out, and then she was all "no, no, the nurse is coming now"

I told her I don't want no fucking nurse. Not one where it seems like a hassle for them to do their job.

And so I went outside and I waited for Ewan to pick me up.

And he was lovely and drove me home and walked me up my stairs and made sure I was ok.

So yeah.

Go Team.

My back's still spasming. Fucker.

Anyways, for more positive stuff perhaps check out my tumblr account:

http://www.monilala.tumblr.com/

Love you all

xxxxx

Beautiful...

"I love you. I'm here now. That's all I have."

- Sid

This is beautiful.

This is what I want.

It's amazing what comes up when you type beautiful into google images. These are the top "hits" for beautiful.

I want something beautiful.

I don't even know anymore...

Sometimes I feel so alone in the world it hurts.

I don't know why this feeling creeps in on me. I can be going along fine, then all of a sudden it's like the pit of my stomach drops out and all I want to do is cry.

I hate it.

And I hate myself for feeling this way. I have no reason to whatsoever.

Sometimes, I think I am such a selfish, horrible person for feeling like this. People have so many more important problems and here I am, feeling down and sorry for myself with no good reason to.

What the fuck is wrong with me?

Wow

So... I've totally just discovered something about myself and I don't think I like it. Actually... I don't like it one bit.

And I don't want you all to judge me by what I do. Really don't. Because I hate that I do it, but it seems I can't stop at the same time.

I like to pick out a guy, probs about one in each class, and I will try with all my skills to get him to like me. No joke. I may not even want to date them, fuck them, kiss them. But they have something I want.

It's so retarded.

And I've realised I've done it for about the majority of my high schooling career as well.

Isn't that a sad thing to do.

People Watching...

I love people watching. I think it is one of the greatest things to do. I just like observing what other people do. It doesn't matter if I know them or not or whether I can even hear what they are saying. It's just interesting.

Last night was very interesting.

I went out with my uni friends for the first time.

People are at their most interesting when they are drunk. This was the first time I had seen some of them outside of class. It kind of amazes me at how they act. It's like a heightened version of yourself when you are drunk. You feel everything 10 times harder and act on almost every impulse.

Even when you look at people within the place you find all different types. There are the broody guys standing in the corner, checking out everyone, pot of beer in the hand. They aren't here to dance and as much as they want to pick up they'll generally just hang back.

Then there are the people at the bar. These people generally are talking a hundred times louder than usual, all dying for a drink and giggle and shout a lot.

And then there is the drunk guys up dancing. They all think they have something to offer and then you get the one dickhead that comes up and thinks you want to dance with him purely because you briefly made eye contact with him.

And then there are the women.

There's the drunk girl/s. These fall into many MANY categories:

1. The tipsy girl - acts pretty normal, just slightly louder than usual

2. The completely drunk girl - Barely able to stand, eyes unable to function, generally just stumbles around.

3. The girl who will do anyone - There is always one. They will flit from guy to guy till the find someone to hook up with.

4. The group of dancing girls - Generally very protective of each other and just out for a good time.

The list is endless.

The point is, that watching a person act completely naturally is amazing. I find it a really good tool for acting too. To be able to recall simple movements is sometimes one of the hardest things to do. Especially when in a different character.

Anyway, I don't want you all to think I'm a freak. I think I'll stop here.

Boys...

Boys suck. They really do.

I don't know why we bother to swan around after them all the time. All they do is fuck us over.

My poor dear friend and soulmate has had a hard time with this guy. You might remember him, the fuckwit I blogged about a little while ago.

Anyways, this fucker has decided to make up many a lie about my soulmate and I can't help but want to punch him in the face.

Why do they do it??

I don't understand.

Is it to make them seem like a big tough man? Is it to make them seem cool? Is it because they have a general disregard of our feelings?

Why?

Empty Chest...

Since I've moved to Melbourne I've not felt quite complete. Like theres something missing. Like I've forgotten something I can't quite remember.

It's like this heavy feeling in my chest, yet it's completely empty at the same time.

I feel alone, but I'm surrounded by people.

I burst into tears and the pain that caused it is quickly forgotten.

I yearn for home, but when I get there I miss the city.

I'm at this in between place and I hate it. Like I'm left in limbo, waiting to pass through the gate.

I feel restless.

Nothing...

I almost had a car crash tonight.

Shock. Pain. Tears. Phone Calls. Nausea. Adrenalline. Tired. Nav Man. Punctured Tyre. Home. Sleep.

Benella...

Ok, so this has become somewhat of a fascination within my Principles of Live Performance class.

There is a guy called Ben. He is very nice. He is Asian. He dresses very neatly. He gives off the impression of being gay.

There is a girl called Ella. She is very nice. She is slightly off beat. She dresses slovenly. She flirts heavily with Ben.

Now, here comes the amazing thing... BEN FLIRTS BACK!

They are all over each other. It makes me sick! Well, not really.

Anywhooo... It's become kinda funny because she has changed the way she dresses, choosing to wear nicer clothes than what she wore the first couple of weeks and today she took her glasses off for a while.

I think the should get together...

But not in front of me...

Ew.

PS. I know I have misspelt Benalla. I've changed it purposely.

PPS. Ben and Ella look NOTHING like the photo. It is used only to show the oddness of the coupling.

So I Can Get Mine and You Get Yours...

Ok. So the first time I did it I thought "Whatever, it's only once. Whats the harm. My friend does it."

When I did it again a couple of days later I laughed and thought "Whats once more gunna hurt?"

It's now got to the point where I'm doing it daily. I can't help it. To quote Robert Downey Jr. "It's like I've got a gun in my mouth and I like the taste of the metal."

I'm an addict.

A FAN FICTION ADDICT!

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, I am hilarious.

It is true though what I said.

I can't stop reading these damn stories about Draco Malfoy and Hermoine Granger. It's like nerd porn.

Ok. That's all I've got to say. I can't type anymore. I'm starting to get the DTs.

PS. The title is lyrics from Amy Winehouse's song "Addicted". I was gunna use another line from that song but thought "It's got me addicted, did more than any dick did" is a little weird for fanfiction. Makes me sound like a freak.

PPS. This is the link if you wanna check it out:

http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1353450/AkashaTheKitty

Fucker...

There is this guy who had shown extreme interest in a dear friend of mine. He had told her many things; Things about the future, things about himself, things about her.

Now, my friend, being the lovable person she is, fell for this boy. He was perfect. Everything she was looking for. She fell hard.

This guy typed this as his facebook status tonight:

"Out on a boring date! Help!"

Here's a little interesting side note. He was not out with my friend. My friend was at home, innocently surfing the net.

She then checked her twitter. A friend of his had posted this

"(Guys Name) you are horrible. Why did I kind of not really fall for you."

This was posted just after his status.

So here is my question...

Why are guys such jerks?

Girls, beware the Dave Muir. He fucks with you all.

Moo-lah...

I hate not having money. So here are some things I think if I didn't have to pay for I would save a lot of money on...

1. Food

OMG if I didn't eat I would be a millionaire. All my money seems to go on food. I have about $20 a week to buy groceries, so I hardly eat anyways, but man, I would love that $20.

2. Metcard

I use the tram to travel to uni and back. Now I make around 10 trips to a from Uni a week. So I buy a weekly Metcard. That costs me $20.20. Of course if I wasn't so lazy and paid for my concession card it would cost less. So I shouldn't really complain because it's my own fault... But still...

3. Phone Credit

TELSTRA! STOP BEING BASTARDS! LOWER THE RATES! I'd go on a plan, but I've got no fucking money!!

4. Internet Credit

Well... See above... Except change Telstra to Virgin...

5. Postage

I've been writing a lot of letters etc. 55c a stamp. FIFTY FIVE CENTS! Fucking ridiculous. Should be like 10c.

So... If I cut out all this stuff, I'll have money for the important stuff like clothes...

Green Eyes...

So I discovered something tonight. Jealousy does not suite me.

I'm generally never a jealous person, but wow tonight I was feeling it.

You see, there's this guy I like. Well, probably more than like. It's been like this for a few years. I always think I'm getting over him, then I see him again and BAM I like him again.

He once sung "Hey There Delilah" to me. It was beautiful.

He is a little bit younger than me though. He's like three years younger, which sure doesn't sound that bad, but when you're 20 and he's 17, it does sound a little creepy.

ANYWAY... I saw him tonight for the first time in at least six months. Anyways he was really lovely and everything was going really good and then I thought well it's probably time I went back to my friends, because I had been missing for a good 20-30minutes by this point. So I went back blah blah blah and then I looked back over and I see him dancing with this girl.

Nobody else was dancing, but they were. The feeling that came over me was unbelievable. It was soul crushing. I saw them sort of flirting a bit and was just so absolutely devastated.

So for a good 15-20mins I was feeling this. Every so often I would look over, but in the end I had to stop because it hurt to much. I hated that slut so much. I mean, I didn't even know her, but I wanted to hurt her so bad.

I have never ever felt like that. Ever.

And then the most wonderous thing happened. The boy's friend came over and gave her this huge hug and they started making out and I realised that she wasn't with my guy.

The relief that flooded over me was unbelievable. I mean, I had been feeling physically ill before. So with that confirmed I began to enjoy the concert more and was able to concerntrate.

A little bit later I began to get that feeling that someone was staring at me. You know when you just get that feeling. So I looked around and saw that he was looking at me. As soon as we made eye contact he looked away. But he wasn't looking at me like I was some awful person or anything. It was a loving and kind look. It was bliss.

I repositioned myself so that I could see him in my peripheral vision and I caught him looking at me constantly. I have never been so happy. Eventually I had to look over at him and the smile that he gave me just beamed. And he winked.

I know it's so stupid that I've got so excited over this, but it really did mean a lot to me.

Eventually he went over to his parents and I was in a conversation with other people. I was getting cold by this point and was rubbing my arms and sort of moving my legs to keep warm. I felt him looking at me again and looked over and he motioned towards his jacket and said "Do you want it?". That made my heart melt.

*sigh*

Eeeeeeeek!!!

Ok, so I'm like so pumped today!!

Last night I found out I won tickets to a screening of Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring at Crown!!!!!

I have been wanting to see this at the cinema for seven years! SEVEN YEARS!!

Yes. That is correct. I am a LOTR fan.

So much so I have a LOTR ring and have considered for many years getting a tattoo.

I missed the first one at the cinema because I was being stubborn and didn't want to see it because it was beating Harry Potter in the box office.

Yes, I am that lame.

But once I saw it, I just, I was speechless. I still am.

It consumed me. I was Gollum.

I read the books, I got the posters, I bought any magazine which showed anything to do with LOTR.

I pre-ordered the DVDs. I even scrimped and saved to buy the extended editions.

I did projects on it in school.

You name it I did it.

I was that kid in school who related every situation back to LOTR. Much like a geek does to Star Wars... (wait, I do that too!).

I still have the film posters framed above my bed.

I still lay claim that I introduced the hotness of Orlando Bloom to my friends and when I did they all thought him to be ugly. So there! HA! Guess whose laughing now? (Probably them).

But I don't care, because I have my tickets and it's gunna be the best thing ever.

Silly...

Ok. I know I'm being silly, but for once I would like some attention from the opposite sex. And not just like some guy leering at me down the street. Proper attention.

I want a guy to like me. To send me cute texts. To want to go to the cinema with me on a Saturday night. To just hold me.

I would kill to just feel a man against me. To pull me in and hold me tight. Never wanting to let me go.

That is what I want.

Swapsies...

So, it came to a very awkward situation yesterday.

Yes, I swapped numbers with someone. I have committed to someone to make an actual friendship with someone from uni.

Why is it always so awkward? Once you sort of get past about 17, 18, it is just embarrassing doing that number swap. Especially when you're not in that drunk state. You're just standing there thinking, "Hmmmm... Do I ask for their number? Or should I ask if they want mine? Maybe I can just sneak it into their phone?"

And you all may laugh at me, but you all know it to be true.

Then once you've got it, when is appropriate to text them? I go for the right that very second attitude. Then it's done and now they've got your number.

Now, on thinking about it, it makes me seem a little bit of a geek.

Anyways, it's done. We need never speak of it again.

End of Transmission.

Quotation...

"Nobody's life template will ever lay evenly over yours. And in those times when they clash completely, you have to walk alone, with confidence that you're creating your own template, made of your out of your own instincts and your own dreams and your own goals." - John Mayer

Wise words.

Down...

Ok, so I don't want to be the girl that whinges and whines, but I feel so down.

It's just come over me all of a sudden and I don't know whether I'm tired or hormonal or what it is, but it can just fuck off.

I'm just so alone. I mean, I have friends at uni and people who have moved here and stuff, but it's so fucking hard to get anywhere in Melbourne. I want a car, but no. My father says it's too dangerous. I'm gunna have to ride a tram at 9pm on a Sunday night with all my possessions by myself once a week and he's worried about me driving? And then there's the walk from the tram stop to my flat. Fuckin nice one Dad.

I feel like I'm struggling and I don't want to be struggling. I don't want to be the country girl who finds it hard in the big city. I've fucking wanted this since I was 11 and now I'm here and I feel like I can't do it.

And I'm too scared to even tell my parents that I'm having trouble adjusting because I don't want them to think I'm failing. They've given up so much for me to be here and I don't want to fuck it up on them. I'm the first Sangster to move to Melbourne and go to Uni. I'm the second Siely to move and go to Uni. Do you know what that pressure is like?

I just want a familiar environment. I mean, I love my little place. It's wonderful, I can do what I like, but sometimes I just want to sit on the couch or sleep in my own bed.

And I can't just see anybody at anytime or think "hmm, might just duck down the street" or "hmmm, might just go to the cinema". It's a fucking hour to get into the city. AN HOUR. On top of that I generally get travel sickness. I want that fucking car.

I hate this feeling.

Fate...

Ok, so like, I'm pretty sure it's fate.

I was sitting here, by myself and I was watching Scrubs, but I was getting a little bit sick of it (It sounds impossible to be sick of Scrubs, but it happened to me tonight).

Anyways, it was probably around twenty past six and I was thinking to myself "Well, what the hell can I watch now?". So I flicked open the TV Guide (yes, I always have a TV guide) and saw that "ALF" was on. I love "ALF", yes it's old and dorky, but it reminds me of when I was a kid and my Dad and I used to hire it from the video shop around the corner from us.

So I flick to 7two and am watching the last ten minutes. It is then that I realise that I will still have about another hour to fill before "Talking About Your Generation" comes on. So I re-open the TV Guide and see that 7two has a film on called "Back to School". It sounds pretty lame (I know I have only gone off the title, but whatever). So I think "Ugh, I'll just go back to Scrubs" when BAM!!! An ad comes on for "Back to School".

Guess who is in it?

No, just guess.

Yep, that's right.

Robert.

Fucking.

Downey.

Jr.

It was meant to be.

Yep. Pretty sure we'll get married.

Yep. Pretty sure I've become one of those freaky women you hear celebrities telling stories about. You know the ones "and she had sent me a star chart basically telling me that we should be together."

Yep.

What to do now?

I'd like to start with a quote...

"I think that the power is the principle. The principle of moving forward, as though you have the confidence to move forward, eventually gives you confidence when you look back and see what you've done." - Robert Downey Jr.

What a wise man.

I've come back to Melbourne today after a week on the couch at home.

As much as I HATED being sick, I want to be back on that couch.

It's really hit me today that this isn't just some little jaunt to Melbourne for a week or so. This is it. This is what my life has become. I'm moving into the next phase of my life.

I really need to move forward, but I am finding it so hard. And it's not that I have to make friends or that the classes are too hard. It's just the fact that it is change and I don't deal with change too well. I get flustered if I have to change my shower routine.

I want to be back on that couch, watching TV and mooching off Mum and Dad.

I think if I had a couch here I'd even feel moderately better. I don't really have anywhere that I can just sit and chill out. I'm either at the desk or at the table or on the floor, none of which are moderately comfy or suitable for an afternoon nap. I know I have my bed, but I don't really enjoy sleeping on there during the day or using it as a substitute for a couch.

I think once I go back to classes I'll settle easier.

Ummm... is it awkward yet?

Look at that picture! Look at those grey flecks! Aren't they cute? They are cute.

I had decided to change my desktop picture and I found this.

I showed my Mum and said "look at how hot those grey flecks are!" and my Mother just stared at me and felt my forehead and said "Oh sweetie, you must still be sick".

Yes, this is what I'm doing to fill my time...

Original Image

Digitally Manipulated Image

Doctor Doctor...

So I went to the Doctor yesterday.



My all time biggest fear (well apart from moths and birds).



I had to go by myself. I hate doing this. I don't want them to come in the room with me, I just need someone to sit in the waiting room with me, coz... well just coz.



I get so scared when I go to the doctor. I was shaking. Literally shaking (or could've had something to do with me having a fever, but I think it was because I was scared).



Anyways, I have a slight fever which means it's either coming or going. I have a rattle in my chest, my sinus' are tender to touch which means it's moving into there, I have hot and cold flushes, light headedness when I stand too long and a constant drip of phlegm down the back of my throat.



Which means I need... REST.



Yep. Just love it.



She has told me to take double the antibiotics I take to ward off infection and to keep up the cold and flu tablets I'm taking.



So, yeah. Awesome. Now I can feel like shit and miss out on classes and fall behind... Sweet.

PS. Bahahahahhhaa! Did you get it? I said I'd been to the doctor and I posted a picture of "The Doctor". Oh I'm hilarious.

Urgh...

So it's official.

I am sick.

Not like in the head sick. I think we all know that, especially with my "Silver Fox" fetish.

I have a cold.

I haven't had one in ages... like I dunno... Six months... That's a long time for me.

I feel awful and I have this huge guilt hanging over my head coz I'm going to miss class tomorrow. It's only my second week and I'm missing classes. How lame am I?

Anyway... I've been watching a lot of Sex and the City lately and it just makes me depressed. I mean, I love the show, don't get me wrong, but I look at them all and I can't help but feel jealous.

I'm jealous of everything. The shoes, the clothes, the lifestyle, the men. Everything.

I think I find it even harder because I am single and I do not have the flow of men coming in that they do.

I know it's silly to compare life to a TV show, but it's hard not to.

And I understand that I'm not the most attractive person in the world, but jeez, I'm not hideously deformed either.

To make matters worse I just found out that a guy I used to go to school with just got married. Not that I want to get married, but this guy is a drop kick, douchebag, dickhead, prat and he could still get someone. He's not even attractive!

ARGH!

I don't think it helps that I have unrealistic expectations of men. I mean, in my head the perfect guy is a cross between Mr Darcy/ Aidan/ Edward Cullen/ Jacob Black with the looks of Robert Downey Jr. It's just stupid to expect this super man to come along.

I just get sick of being alone. Especially when you see everyone with a someone.

Boys Boys Boys...

So I was just watching Sex and the City and it came to the episode where Carrie goes on a date with her high school sweetheart played by David Duchovney...

God damn he is hot.

I know this is a lame thing to be blogging about, but there is something so attractive about an older man.

I mean I'm not talking about like an old fart with man boobs. Like a well kept older man. Very sexy.

The thing that scares me is that it's not just celebrities, but like men walking down the street, men I meet, etc etc etc.

Sometimes I sicken myself... well... not really. Not over this anyway.

So, whatevs, here's some piks.

Um... awkward...

So, I went to this thing tonight and I had a very awkward thing happen.

Um, ok, so there's this guy I know through STAG, he's 31 right? And so like he generally makes a lot of in appropriate comments, but you know you laugh at them and make them back and never really think anything of it.

Well... Tonight, I was trying to give him a used cup as a present but he wouldn't take it, so I was trying to like force it onto him and he pulled me into a hug and said "are you sure there isn't anything else you'd like to give me?" and in my head I was like "What the fuck? Here we are talking about cups and you spring this on to me?" and so I said "What?" and he pulled me in tighter so I could sort of um... feel "everything" and he goes "Are you sure there's nothing else you'd like to give me??" and he gave me one of those looks, you know the one. So I said "Uhhh, no." and he goes "Are you sure?" and I said "Yeah I'm 100% sure" and he laughed and pulled away and said "100%? Wow, can't get more rejected than that!" and he laughed again. So I said "yep, all I'm offering is this cup, it's free!" and he said "The other wouldn't cost you anything" and I was like "it might" and he said "no it's definitely free" and I said "no, it would cost me" and he's like "what would it cost you?" and I said "my reputation OOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!!!" and I laughed really loudly.

Anyways, he goes "oh, that's harsh!" and I said "you've got to admit it was a good one!" and he did and we hi-fived.

So, like that's really it, but why would he do that? We had a perfectly fine friendly relationship, where there was never ever any sort of seriousness to the conversation EVER, and I never made those types of remarks about him.

Why do guys think they can do that sort of thing? Now the friendship, to me, is awkward.

Soapy...

Ok, so how awful am I for not blogging?

I've just haven't had all that much to say I guess...

But I totally did a really exciting thing... I finished watching Soapdish. Awesome film!!

It's set on the set of a daytime soap and it follows the lives of the people on it. It's a hilarious film. Has a great cast as well:

Sally Field

Kevin Kline

Whoopi Goldberg

Robert Downey Jr (need I say more?)

Interesting side note, Robert had a couple of pimples.

Anyways, I don't really have much else to say, was just pretty pumped bout the film.

Here I am...

It's almost 3 in the afternoon and I'm doing laundry... Whoo.



I had to be a



I just found a voice mail from my Mum on my phone and I got all teary. What the fuck is wrong with me. I've been getting teary over everything the past two days. I can't be PMS coz I'm not due for another two weeks.



I'm just so fucking tired.

O...

So... I totally survived! YAY!

Actually, as soon as I got to the tram I was fine. I don't know why I was so worried in the first place.

So... I'm pretty sure none of you are interested, but I want to document my day somehow, so cyberspace seems as good as anywhere.

I apologise in advance for the length. I completely understand if you don't hang around.

Ok, so I woke up at 7.30am which I was thoroughly annoyed at coz I had set my alarm for 8am. So I lie there with my eyes shut for about 20mins hoping to fall back asleep. I was unsuccessful, so I got up and opened my curtains. I put on the "Today Show", got back into bed and watched the news.

After about 20mins of that I decided I was hungry so got up and made breakfast. Slight side note here, I'm really pissed off about the set up of the apartment, because I have to have to range hood fan going just to make toast or else the fire alarm goes off. Not happy.

Anyways, so I went and had a shower and got dressed. I had to empty my bins, so I walk all the way downstairs and when I get outside it is FREEZING, so a change of outfit was in order. I was much happier with my second outfit anyways. The first one was try hardy.

I had to go down to the newsagency to get a tram ticket, which by the way cost me an absolute fortune for a weekly pass. Anyway, I also bought an "Empire" magazine and I was all excited because they had put an extra issue in there so I was getting two for the price of one. So I walk up to the counter and go to pay with my card, but of course the don't do credit, which is the only one my stupid debit card works with, so I had to trot back to Westpac and trot back with some cash, but they were all very nice.

So then I head back to the apartment because my Mum and Dad want to see me before I go. Luckily I checked the tram timetable because the next tram was at 10am and the next one would get me there too late.

So I bustle my arse to the apartment to find Mum and Dad out the front. I explain I have to get going, but they want to take a photo of me before I go because they have one for every year of my schooling career. Major embarrassment. So I quickly smile, give them a kiss on the cheek and head back to the tram stop.

While I was waiting (stupid trams always running late) this guy comes and sits on the seat and he looks just like this guy I know from Shepp. Like, dead ringer. So now I'm trying to slyly look at him as we get on. It wasn't him, but it took me so long to work that out that he was started to look at me weird. Luckily we were at Deakin by this point, so it didn't matter.

I love the Burwood campus. It really felt like home. I finally made my way through the crowds to my host program and sat down. I looked around at the people there and I couldn't help but think "really? you want to do drama?". I know that sounds awful, but none of them looked the type. I dunno, but I met some lovely people. Everyone was so nice and willing to chat. Absolutely loved it. I guess that's one nice thing about us drama geeks, we're all quiet loud, open and confident.

We took a tour of the campus, which was pointless because none of us could hear what our host had to say. It was kinda nice to just tune out though. Made me feel really good. Like I was back in high school.

After that I had to get my student id card because I wasn't there for enrolment. Bastards took the worst photo of me ever.

I then went to check out the social groups and all that. None took my fancy... Well there was one...Yes everyone, I am a member of the Deakin Glee Club!! HELLS YEAH!

After that I got on the tram for home, but I saw a Macca's on the way so I stopped there for lunch and read my Empire magazines. OH! By the way! The universe is trying to tell me something! You might recall earlier I mentioned that I got a second Empire magazine with my April issue... Well... When I bought it I couldn't see what the second one was. I opened it up and was so excited to find it was the issue about Sherlock Holmes. Beautiful pictures of RDJ! It's meant to be! LOL!

Um... what was I talking about?

Oh! Yeah so I ate my McD's and I felt guilty for it, so I walked home. Which wasn't too bad actually.

So I sat around in my apartment and watched "Game 6" for about an hour and then it was back to Deakin for a lecture. Major boredom. I left after the guy spoke about Drama.

That's what I love about Uni. It's your own responsibility. You can do what you want.

So yeah. After that Mum and Dad came to see me. They had bought me a surprise from their shopping travels. They got me this lovely office chair. It is bliss! So much more comfortable than the shitty broken one that came with this place. They also got me a beanbag! Bless! That's why I love them.

So my rents stayed for tea, then Mum and I watched Vampire Diaries.

So all in all, it was really quite a good day.

I can't wait for classes.